just watch the f**kin movie!

this has been bothering me for some time. a recent discussion i had at my favorite cigar shop made me decide i should finally get it off my very hairy, but angry, chest.

what's irritating is the reasons that many people state they disliked this or that movie. yes, it's an opinion thing. everybody's entitled to their opinions...blah blah blah...SAVE IT! if that's your only comment, you may as well say it somewhere else because i don't care.

for instance, to use a very recent example, i was talking to someone about shutter island. i saw it recently and LOVED it. but this isn't a movie review. so, the person i was talking to while we were smoking cigars said that the reason he didn't like it is that a very crucial surprise story element became obvious to him the more he thought about certain very subtle clues in the movie. subtle as in there's no way anyone would normally figure this out on their own, and they weren't actually clues because they weren't intentionally there as clues. so, let me get this straight, you thought the movie was bad because you overthought everything and spoiled it for yourself instead of allowing things to be revealed to you??? YOU'RE A JERKASS.

people of PLANET STUPID, when someone writes a movie, or book, or whatever way they have chosen to tell a story, the idea is to let the storyteller do their job. let the story come to you. are you planning to quit watching the movie?! did you start it without having any awareness of your own schedule and have suddenly realized you don't have time to EVER finish it?! i can just imagine how annoyed your parents must have been with you when trying to read you a book as a child, because they couldn't go 1 page without you asking a stupid question or predicting the ending, "i'll bet the cat in the hat did it!"

explaining that you hated a movie because your mental and intellectual weaknesses prevented you from interacting with it in the way intended does not qualify as legitimate film criticism or make a movie "bad". if you say "that movie was bad because they failed to tell a compelling story" or "i hated it because [so-and-so] can't act", fine. i guess i have to accept that. but if you say "yeah, the cast was great, the dialogue was good, but i saw the ending coming, therefore it's a bad movie," i'm just gonna say you're retarded and move on with my day. ok, i may cuss you out...if i'm having a bad day. in fact, if you can't wait for a story to be told while taking in all the elements of it and interacting with them, maybe you should just stop watching movies.

you suck.